Longing
by Echante
Summary: Marriage is harder than happy ever after, this is what happens when everything goes to hell. CR kinda AU definatly. Finished.
1. Falling into cynicism

I've read too many love stories, sang too many songs, listened to too many lullabies, and fallen too many times

I've read too many love stories, sang too many songs, listened to too many lullabies, and fallen too many times. But, I have not been bitten by cynicism. When God knows I should! Somehow; in my sick mind I manage to grasp that thread of hope that still exists, although now under preposterous circumstances.

They've all had their chance with her! Both of them! But I never got mine!

She's married today. Just like me. We both are. I know I'm sick but I wish for both of their deaths. Because of their restricting chain, pulling me back. Or maybe I should praise them? They keep me from heart-break.

Today, marks the day I fall into cynicism.


	2. Hope hangs on threads

If you haven't guessed by now, it's Chandlers POV and its about Rachel…

She loves him. I can see that now. Everyone can. But I can't help but notice, or maybe just hope, hope I see that flicker of doubt in her eyes. That maybe, she was just in a marriage of convenience. But then what? What would I do? It's not it would have mattered. I'm married to Monica.

But marriage is love everlasting. So maybe I'm not in a marriage? Because I know that this is not love everlasting. Love is a single person thing. You can't lust for another and have the one you love not be affected.

She walks into my apartment. So I fake sleep. Just so she'll stay longer. Just so maybe, in hopes of my unawareness, she might proclaim her love to me. As forbidden as mine.

_Rachel's POV now:_

The thing is, that Ross. He is real bitch. Everyone thinks I love him. And maybe I do. But I hate everything about him. I hate his damn dinosaurs, and I hate his extreme nerdism. And while I swear I wiped out most of my superficiality years ago, I still can't help but hate him for not being what I am. Not sharing what I love. He says he loves me. But how can he? The ghosts that haunted us years ago; the jealousy, the envy, yet the incessant boredom when I tried to share my passion with him, they all revolt me. I'm trapped in a fairy tale, yet I live in real life. In real life, opposites can't attract. And that will be my downfall.

_Chandler's POV: _

I'm pathetic. Dude. Pretend to wake up. Okay, that's good. Now go talk to her.

"Hey." Huh. That wasn't bad.

"Hey!"

"So, welcome to club."

"Thank you."

"How's married life treating you?"

"I can't… I can't complain." And then she grins at me. But I saw the falter. There was a moment of weakness. And that moment I would hang onto forever.


	3. Getting the hell out of there

Thank you for reviews

Thank you for reviews. And, understand that this is my first fanfiction and I suck at plotlines, I'm better with language, no: dialogue is what im good at. So be brutal. Your job is to help me. Disregard my feelings. I know this is what you've all been waiting for. But I'm not saying to ignore adulations either, because I'm human. I love them of course. My stories will probably tend to be on the short side because I don't have that much time. But I'll try.

**Exintaris-**thank you for your advice.

Oh and FYI I have no idea where this story is going.

­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­

_Rachel's POV:_

It's called maternal instinct, or laziness or comfort. But every justification I find for my marriage is absolutely disgusting. His proposal in the hospital was less then comforting. Watching him spew romanticism about our destiny, our child, the sense of security he could bring for me. Because isn't that what you want in a marriage? Stability? Now I'm drowning in it.

It's only been a month into married life and already I'm beginning to doubt the sanctity of marriage. All those years of longing for the future, and now I'm missing the past. Chandler and Monica, they're having their problems. What is happening to married people?

No! I can't have these doubts! Or maybe they are ordinary? Maybe every newly-wed goes through this period. Except I know this isn't true. Look at Ross, with his continuous stream of confirmation.

_Outsider POV:_

She rolled over and stared at his face. She watched it light up and automatically connected his dreaming enthusiasm with dinosaurs. It was four O'clock in the mourning, and already she was repulsed. And while she lay there she wondered, why hadn't I seen this before the wedding? Was I so washed up with relief at having security for the rest of my life that I couldn't see the irritation it would bring? Emma stirs and she jumps.

"Rach? What's wrong?"

"Nothing."

"You sure?"

"Yes."

"Alright. I love you."

"Yeah."

And he turned over, and passed out again.

_Rachel's POV: _I've got to get the hell out of here.

_Chandler's POV:_

Lust is a terrible thing. It makes you something you aren't. Never before had I even thought of straying from my dedication to righteousness. Should I destroy a lifetime for a temporary thing? I think the problem is her. She makes sinners. Her beauty is seductive. It's jeopardized friendships before. Maybe we should kill her.

Look at her. Monica. Ha. I wonder if she knows?

I need to get the hell out of here.


	4. Broadway is dark tonight

Wow

Wow. As I've determined from the reviews, I plunged into this with very little foundation. Unfortunately, I have a weird disease where I do not like to state facts during dialogue, which might have been induced when my teacher in eighth grade told me, " Do not state facts in dialogue," but most of this fanfiction is dialogue, although mostly in the form of thought. So I'm going to fill in some holes with cold hard facts.

Ross proposed at the hospital upon the birth of Emma. Rachel accepted. Two years later they were married.

JR happened but before Emma's birth and they didn't last long at all.

Chandler and Monica DO NOT have babies, apparently they tried but eventually gave up.

And the Goo Goo Dolls are amazing, so is Aqualung. That was bordering on irrelevance but I think the justification is that they are amazing. So there.

Oh. And, I love priase, it keeps me sane, but critisim makes me better. The greatest geniouses barely hung to their sanity, but maybe, just maybe, help me keep a little of mine. You all are wonderful for helping me, and your comments are to perfection. Its amazing how correct people can be. They can see things that I'm blind to. Thats why I need you.

* * *

_Chandler POV:_

I've been smoking too long. It doesn't even kill me anymore. The fits of coughs protesting each intrusion of smoke into my lungs have faded into oblivion. Basically, I've come to accept my eventual death, and I quit trying to quit.

There was a time when I cared. But now, the fights are too painful. It started out just emotionally, "and while sticks and stones may break my bones, words can never hurt me." Haha. It took me all of my thirty two years to figure out that it's all a bunch of bull invented to brainwash the minds of children. Because if you can hold off long enough, the words don't hurt, but once your defenses crash, there is no stopping the pain.

In the beginning I just dismissed them as her constant need to be right. But she has an obsessive desire for confirmation, which doesn't leave much room for disagreement. Yet disagreement bubbles inside of me because I am an individual, and all individuals disagree at some point. She walks up behind me, and my first reflex is to wince. The first sign of a mismarriage is when your reaction to their touch is self-protective.

"I saw you leave."

"I thought you were asleep."

"I don't sleep."

Now even the silence is painful.

"Well then you must be kind of tired."

"I don't get tired."

That's right. She has no inabilities.

"You know. You could try being human."

"Humanity is for weaklings."

Coming out of any other mouth that would have been funny, but the burning in her eyes has no humor.

"Go back to sleep."

"What were you thinking?'

"What?"

"Just now, what were you thinking?"

"Mon…"

"What were you thinking?"

"I was… I was thinking how beautiful you look."

She knows I'm lying, and voices that by meeting my face with the palm of her hand, not gently. Her face contorts, actually, her face returns to its constant shape of late.

"Don't you dare lie to me!"

Is it sad that I know to keep my mouth shut from experience?

"Turn around."

My only choice is to comply. But in complying I become exposed. The smoke blows straight into her face. It's kind of ironic, that metaphor, the smoke seeming to blow from her face. What point in my life did she stop being heaven and start being hell?

"Everyday you die a little more."

"It saves me from dying all at a time."

"What if I killed you now?"

"You wouldn't do that."

"Why not?"

"Because you loved me."

_**Loved…**_

_Rachel's POV: _

As we grow older the center of the universe moves further and further away from ourselves. It's amazing how as your experience broadens, the unknown also grows. Broadway was always that excitement and hope; the Broadway that is never dark, allowing excitement to continuously extend, even through the night. Walking through always feels safe because I'm surrounded by the whole world, but freed from the suffocation of recognition, through the anonymity that comes from walking with the mass. On those streets I'm nothing to no one. I know they judge me and I used to care, but I was ignorant, they weren't judging my soul. The most precious books are found under rotting covers. I wonder if that's the same about people. Are those scorned because of their appearance, really hidden angels? Maybe that's what Monica sees in Chandler, because no offense, but superficially he doesn't deserve her. But his soul I've never evaluated.

Ross is watching T.V. I walk through the door and watch him. A faint sense of gratification washes over me as I see what he's watching. America's next top model. Granted it is not the best statement of my profession; full of underweight bitches dying to get bitten by spiders, or suspended from tall buildings; but he's trying; albeit in disgust. But his attempts to conform to my interests fall short. It is his vision of my work that he is scorning.

I move and suddenly he notices me.

"Where'd you go last night?" His question was friendly but my blood runs cold from fear.

"Oh. I just needed air. I thought you were asleep."

" You know I can't sleep without you." And there is that grin. I want to slap it away.

"Aw." I'm so fake.

Then I notice Emma. My baby, and as much as I want to hate her for forcing me into this situation, I can't because she is my life.

Where did I go last night? I'm asking myself as I pick her up. Where did I go?

I can barely remember, only crossing on Broadway; crossing to the place I know best, the place that gives me hope. But aw I approach, the balcony hosts two of my favorite people, and as I watch them yell, my hope extinguishes. It's a bad day for married people huh?

Broadway is dark tonight.


	5. Commentary so you can see me clearly

COMENTARY:

COMENTARY:

Just some things I had to clear up. I have no idea where the hell this thing is going. I don't even know if Chandler and Rachel will end up together. Right now I'm concentrating on the fact that I've been semi-regularly updating. That to me is achievement.

Oh and FYI, I am truly, honestly, deeply, a Joey Rachel fan, because deep down inside of me, I think that they are perfect for each other, and that they have the most in common. I thought the finale of F.R.I.E.N.D.S screwed me over. But you know. What are you going to do. But Chandler and Rachel are my favorite characters, mainly because those two compose most of the list of my favorite actors. Plus George Clooney. And Jim Sturgouss(no idea how to spell) but that is mainly cause hes really hot.

Anyways. I also think that Matthew Perry is very very intensely attractive, but I only put the part in about him superficially being Monica's inferior because that is what was the opinion, and when you have a group of beautiful people together…


	6. People grow apart

The bottom line is, I suppose, that this is not exactly the same show authors created

The bottom line is, I suppose, that this is not exactly the same show authors created. It is AU where I extend the qualities of the characters that in the show may seem annoying, but harmless, to in reality, what is there difference. Thank you for being critical and taking time out of your life to be interested in what I have to say. As for my favoritism of the JR relationships in most cases, well maybe I'm a bit superficial too. Haha. Also, I suppose your right, I like monologues, not dialogue. Well. What are you going to do? Haha.

Most of this is my thoughts on life, my imagination of the trails of adult life, please bear with me if they seem hardened, after this I'm going to write something lighter. Thank you to Exintaris, and Champers for their dedication to this fiction, and for calling me on my constant monologuing… haha.

* * *

­­­­­­­­­­­­­

_Rachel's POV: _

I know she's not cold. But whenever he is around she freezes. She says things she doesn't mean. She goes out of her way to disagree with him, and to prove that she is superior to him. I don't know what's wrong with them. How can two people who once were the definition of happiness suddenly be disheartening together?

_Chandler's POV:_

She's yelling at me again. In front of everybody; all of her friends.

_Rachel's point of view:_

She's yelling at him again. In front of everybody; all of her friends.

_Chandler POV:_

How the hell did we get here?

_Rachel's POV:_

His eyes are tired. I know that look. He's trapped. The look of resignation, there is to be no more excitement in his life. I guess we share a burden.

"How could you!"

"What?"

"How could you! How could you! How could you!"

I watch as she proceeds to hit him. Part of me feels I should stop her, but what good would it do to just get her mad at me? I don't even want to know what they're arguing about this time.

_Later:_

Joey. He is the one I can find comfort in. He offers undying loyalty and understanding. I've got to talk to Joey.

"Hey Joe!"

"Rach!" No matter how often I see him, he still acts as if it has been forever. I feel comfortable in his arms. "Do you want anything to drink?"

"No. What you doing?"

"Haha. I never stop doing the same thing."

"One of these days…"

"You've got to get off that couch and get some air."

"Uncanny imitation."

"Keep em' coming!"

"Haha. Seriously."

"Yeah ok. You want to get some air now?"

"What so soon?"

"I know."

"It normally takes people days to get over their addiction!"

"What can I say? I'm a medical marvel."

What can you say to that?

"So where do you want to go?"

"Oh I think you know!"

"Oh. I think I don't…"

But the smile on his face tells me he does.

Central Park is continuously filled with people. I suppose that's because it is the Utopia in the middle of chaos. Although, it is a good chaos.

"Rach. You okay?"

"well…"

His voice is truly filled with questioning, and compassion. It's odd that he really cares, Ross never notices when I'm unhappy. That's why Joey is my best friend… Or maybe Monica? They have this gift of understanding beyond everyone else.

"Why are they…"

"Rach."

"Why can't they…"

"Monica and Chandler?"

I nod. Of course he knows too, they were obvious.

"How can that happen?"

"I don't know."

"They were so happy…"

"I know. People just grow apart."

Yeah. People just grow apart.


	7. Air

Have you ever felt you were drowning? That the waves of commitment have slowly encircled you, until the only escape you have is to stop breathing? That's my life. He's everywhere. He's there when I come, there when I leave, when I breathe he freaks out as if I'm in danger, when I walk, he freaks out even more, and when I go in the rain without thirteen layers of clothing, he nearly faints. He stopped being my husband and became my parole officer, but what crime had I committed to deserve imprisonment?

For a whole week he is going to be gone, and I'm going to gather as much of that crisp air as possible, and store it for next the suffocation.

Ha. My first day of unrestraint and I'm sitting in a coffee house by myself. I am a wild child. Chandler walks in and quickly glances around before he relaxes, poor guy. When Monica gets mad, she really is relentless. He sees me and automatically rushes up to me, excitement dilating his eyes. That man has a constant need for an audience.

"Rachel Green!"

"Chandler Bing."

"Have I got a story for you!"

"Well I've got an audience."

"So, a chef puts two muffins in the oven. One muffin turns to the other and says, 'ah we are going to be cooked!' and the other one freaks out and says, 'ah! A talking muffin!'"

I think it's never the joke that he tells that is funny; it is just his extreme burst of mirth after he tells it that makes me want to laugh. And I laugh even more when he brightens at my laughter.

_Chandler's POV: _

She laughed at my joke! Damn, she's beautiful when she smiles.

_Rachel's POV: _

But he gets serious, as if realizing that he can't have fun. He's on the same leash as I am. And then, he astonishes me, "Do you believe in God?"

What the hell? "Yes… Yes I think I do."

"So you believe the whole hell fire and brimstone stuff?"

"I guess so."

"So do you think that they have a whole ceremony or do they go, 'there's another one of those damn sinners' let's throw them into that big pit of fire?'"

Is he serious? "How the hell should I know?"

"You said you believed."

"Yeah, but its not like I actually go to church everyday or like know anything about it…"

"Then how can you believe?"

"How can you not?"

"What?"

"Do you honestly believe that this is it?"

"What's it?"

"This! The world! It just… There was just an explosion and the earth suddenly appeared? With all of its trials and tribulations, that this is all just a cosmic coincidence?"

"So instead there was just this guy, and we have no idea how the hell he got here, or why he even choose to make us."

"That's the idea."

"Huh." And as he sits there contemplating, I realized that this was the first time I'd ever talked to him, where he didn't fill the conversation with self-deprecation. Have I ever looked at him without the spell of brainwashing he unconsciously passed to us? This time, instead of seeing the utter lack of confidence in his eyes, I see thought. And I realize for the first time that Chandler Bing is actually handsome. And it's disturbing.

"So you think that if a man even looks at another woman sexually, he is committing adultery?"

"What?"

"It's in the Bible."

"Oh."

"I guess I'm doomed to hell." Why the hell is he telling me this?

"Chandler…"

"That's damn right! I have committed mental adultery."

"Chandler!"

"Rachel!"

"Chandler, it's not your fault!"

"Hell yeah it's not my fault!"

"Your marriage…"

"My marriage…"

"it is faltering."

He scoffs, "My marriage is non-existent."

"What?"

"I don't have a wife anymore."

"What? You didn't…"

"I have another damn mother!"

Oh god. I was so scared. Divorce... "Oh geez. I thought…"

"Divorce? Ha. I wish."

"Chandler, chandler, chandler."

"Rachel, it's comforting that you know my name, but that's not really my problem now."

And with that I laugh.

_Chandler POV:_

I love it when that girl laughs.

_Rachel's POV: _

Silence. He hates that. Silence is unbearable to him, and I can see him squirm to try and find something to fill it with. So of course, he brings up what everyone associates me with, "Where's Ross?"

"With Waldo, can you spot him?"

"Seriously."

"I'm serious."

"Rachel."

"He took Emma to his parents, they wanted to…" What the hell was he doing? "Well they were…" Damn I'm a bad wife.

"It's okay," his eyes crinkle up in slight amusement, "I have no idea where Monica is either."

"Wow. We are so good at marriage."

"I know!"

"We should do something."

"We should."

"Yes, we'll call it a celebration of our temporary liberation from tyrannical insanity."

"Or we could not… call it… that…"

"Well it was just a thought."

"Haha. Okay…"

"You want to watch a movie?'

"Yes."

"To blockbuster?"

"To blockbuster!"

_Chandler's POV:_

Oh my god, and she's running. Yes. She is running. Damn.

_Rachel's POV:  
_

"Rachel! Wait it's raining?"

"So?"

"You'll catch a cold!"

"You sound like Ross…"

"Seriously!"

"You know if you run fast enough you can outrun it."

"Okay, then let's run faster!"

It's funny. I never before realized how therapeutically beneficial running in the rain was. Who cares if I catch a cold? I just run, the whole way there I just run.

When we get there he pulls out a cigarette and takes a freakishly long drag, and I wonder what made him start to kill himself again, but I already know. So instead of reprimanding him I reach out to take it from him. We're in the same position, maybe it would help me too. So I reach out to grab it.

_Chandler's POV:_

I knew she'd yell at me about it, just like Monica, Ross, Joey and Phoebe all have, what the hell do they know? She reaches for it and I prepare myself for the inevitable lecture, but instead, she brings it to her mouth and breathes the poison. Damn that's really sexy. Do I look like that? Damn it! Damn it!

I've poisoned perfection.

"Who knew dying would feel so good?"

"Don't do that."

"Why not?"

"If I die nobody cares…"

She stops and inspects me. "Is that why you started again? Cause nobody cares?'

"No."

"Okay." So I get out another one.

She grins, "If you get out another that defeats my purpose."

"What purpose?"

"Laying down my life for you."

"Haha. I appreciate the effort."

"Okay."

"Really."

"I'm sure you're just filled with gratitude."

"I am."

She laughs and then speaks, "So what were you thinking?"

"Lots of things."

"Yeah? Well I'm thinking Superbad. So it kinda sucks if you disagree."

I never knew you could get high off watching someone smile.


	8. Superbad

Review!! AHHHHH!! Haha. I have a problem. I like Chandler and Rachel. But I also am steadfast against adultery. But I also can't stand Ross and Rachel… I'm sorry to their fans but I have issues about them… So… I have a dilemma I don't really know how to continue and until I do… it's all going to be fluff. This is hella short.

* * *

_Chandler POV: _

It's a painfully disturbing movie… Superbad. Basically, these high school guys go on a quest to find beer. I flinch knowing what Monica would have had to say about this. But Rachel. Rachel sits there gleefully soaking in every moment, as if it were forbidden. Rachel. She's uninhibited, and that's what I yearn for! She lives her life! Oh my god. The kid draws pictures of penises? This is very, very disturbing.

_Rachel's POV:_

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

_Chandler's POV: _

Wow. Haha. This is damn funny stuff. I would never let my kid see this. This Fogol guy is awesome!

_Rachel's POV: _

Do I really think this is funny? I mean is this just rebellion? No. It's hella funny. It's just, I wouldn't be watching it if it weren't for these restrictions he places on me. Chandler. He didn't argue… Why can't Ross be like that? Damn this is good stuff.


	9. How did we get here?

My inspiration. Be forewarned. It gets dark. I didn't have a choice. And I'm not going to lie, I stole this plotline kinda from studio 60 on the sunset stripe.

* * *

_Nine months later:_

Her brown-blonde hair sweeps in front of her eyes, her head tilts back, and alcohol pours down her throat. Someone else bursts in.

"Where are they?" She just stands there.

"Damn it Rachel! Where are they!"

"What?"

"You don't think I've been there! Wanting the escape! Wanting it all to go away?"

"What…"

"What are you taking?"

"I'm not…"

"What are you taking!"

"Chandler…"

"Damn it Rachel! I watched my marriage go where yours went!"

"I don't know what you are talking about."

"Where are they Rachel!"

"I…"

"What are you taking! Damn it Rachel! Give me the pills!"

"I…" She didn't have reserve for this any longer, the attempt to deny only lead to tears.

"What are you taking? Vicodin? Percocet?"

"Here. Take them! Take them away from me!" And her face disappears again, unrecognizable from the beauty she was.

"What are they." The un-wavering firmness in his voice unnerved her. It was a voice destitute from its previous charm.

"Anything. Everything."

"Why."

"I have a child."

"This only hurts her!"

"No you have to understand, it's impossible for me to be good for her when I'm miserable, cause' she can feel it! You can't raise a child without emotion. You have to be able to feel happiness."

"Well."

"You're right. I need to stop. I'm not a better mother."

"You're worse."

"Yeah." Her downcast eyes stood evidence to her understanding of the depth of her misconception.

"How long?'

"I don't really know."

"It takes only 200 hours to get addicted, after that, try living without them, its death."

"It hasn't been that long."

He gave her a quizzical look.

"Chandler, 48 hours at the most."

He sighed with relief.

"Chandler, how the hell did we get here?"

"I don't know."

And he really didn't.


	10. Loss

I don't have as much experience in this world as the people reviewing me. Maybe in the future my view will change but I am NOT against divorce. People are not perfect, sometimes divorce is necessary.

* * *

"I'm a wreak." She sits on the counter, her legs swinging, it's funny though, it's a statement. There's no self-incriminating guilt, or trace of bitterness in her voice, it was all just acceptance.

"No."

She smiles, "I like that even in this condition, you try and lie to me."

"Well all we have is each other."

"They both hate us huh?"

"A double divorce… it was not my shining moment." He grins weakly.

"I had to get out."

"So did I."

"I was suffocating!'

"I know."

"And now he hates me."

"That's right."

"Huh." But still there was no bitterness, amusement maybe? Wonderment.

He stares at her. With an intensity. They were free, they had freed each other, been the pillar that held each other up, leaned against each other. Alone he couldn't have done it. And he owed her. He owed her his freedom, his every breathe. But she owed him nothing in the way he hope she would. There was no romance. It was cold, hard divorce. He was thirty-seven and had been stung with the bitter rejection of life.

"I gave up my future."

"What the hell are you talking about?"

"Look at me." And he complied. "What do you see?"

"You've been through too much, no one deserves divorce."

"Self-inflicted pain, that's what I'm going through."

"It wasn't your fault."

"Hah. That probably what they're saying to each other."

"It wasn't their fault either."

_Flashback: _

"You're home."

"Yes. Do you have a problem?"

"No."

"Ross, you have to let me go."

"No. I don't."

"Sign the papers."

"I can't." He doesn't look at her, but instead turns his attention to everything else in the house.

"Ross, the damn house is clean." They had long since stopped trying to contain their profanity in front of the child.

"Rachel. What do you want me to do?"

"I want you to let me breathe."

"I don't want to let you go."

"I'm not happy."

"Give us anther chance, I can change."

"You tried already."

"I'll try harder."

"You've tried twice."

"I'll try again."

"Ross, the first time, your self-respect lasted only thirty minutes until you accused me of having an affair, with Chandler of all people! The second time, you accused me of indecency to your mother, because I had told her I'd call her back later. Those were your attempts at relaxing."

"Rachel. I still love you."

"You love me like I'm your pet."

"I love you like you're my lobster.'

"Well. I don't love you anymore."

His eyes cast down at her admission; you could feel the pain in his breathe as he spoke. "I…"

"Sign the papers Ross." And then she disappeared, leaving only the documents marked "irreconcilable differences," at his feet. But the only problem was, he didn't know what the differences were. He had always loved her. When had she drifted?

_Flashback:_

"Chandler."

"Monica."

"Goodbye."

"Yeah."

_Chandler's POV: Back to the present. _

My divorce was easier to settle than hers. There was no love left in my marriage, there was no children to be concerned, there were no financial differences. Her divorce was one-sided, only she had wanted it. He had wanted to fight, but she's given up fighting too long ago.

I lost a wife in that divorce, but I also lost a friend, I lost a friend by divorcing his sister and by siding with his wife. But his wife came to me. She came to me for support and I know the situation she's in, it's my job to rescue her from drowning. Besides, she's gorgeous and he was ruining her beauty. He was hiding it. The song goes, "This little light of mine, I'm going to let it shine." When they suggest, "hide it under a bushel, NO! I'm going to let it shine." He wouldn't let her shine.

_Outsider POV: _

Rachel disrupted his thoughts with the slamming of the doors.

"What's wrong?"

Her hazy eyes were enough to tell him.

"Damn it Rachel!"

"I'm weak."

"Give them to me!"

"I need you to save me."

"Rachel, where are they."

"Here. Take them. I need to go away. I don't trust myself here."

"Why?"

"I got my freedom, but I lost my future."

"What are you talking about?"

"No one is going to want a woman like me."

"Like what?"

"I'm a single mother, I'm a wreak, my beauty is gone." Her beauty wasn't gone.

"He hasn't signed them yet, you can go back."

"I don't want to."

"What do you want then?"

"I want someone to look at me like everyone used to."

"That's a little cocky isn't it?" A smile threatening.

"No." There was only seriousness in her voice. "I'm not that person anymore. They used to all want me. Now no one does."

"Ross does." I do, he thought.

"No he doesn't. I've made sure of that."

"He hasn't signed yet."

"But he's agreed to."

"You can go back."

"No."

"Then what do you want?"

"I don't know."

"That's not helping."

"No. It's not."

"You know what I want?"

"What?" She breathed the word.

"I…" Then he leaned in. He touched the lips that broke his marriage; that ruined his friendship; that destroyed his life. And they didn't refuse him


	11. Running

Raelenie: Hell yeah I'm going to finish this

Raelenie: Hell yeah I'm going to finish this. Haha I just realized I swear a lot so if that offends you, I apologize.

* * *

_Chandler's POV:_

Oh shit she's pulling away.

"Ross."

That name makes my blood run cold. It sums up all my fears, all of my sins, all of them right now are against him. I betrayed a man I once called my best friend. For a girl. That's something that none of would ever had done before. It was an agreement, unwritten but nonetheless revered. In breaking it I had gone against my whole life, I had forsaken friendship.

"Oh shit. Ross!" She repeats.

"So this is why we were unfixable?"

"Ross this is…"

"Past the point of no return?" He spat at her.

"Ross…"

"I thought you cared!"

"I did."

"What about now."

"I can't love you anymore."

"Well that sucks. Cause' I'm not signing the papers."

"What?"

"Not anymore."

"Ross."

"We're not ending like this."

"Damn it Ross."

"Goodbye Rachel."

I was supposed to be her liberty. But instead I became her inhibitor, right when she was on the brink of salvation.

_Rachel's POV:_

My life reminds me of a cartoon. Is that sad? You know, where the character is running through a tunnel, and they are running, and running, and then they can see the light at the end and the get all excited, but then they're hit by a train. I can't believe I got hit by a train, when I was so close to tasting fresh air.

It's kind of ironic isn't it? The man who I thought was my liberation, caused the resumption of my persecution? It had taken me so long to convince Ross to give up, but the whole time he was there. And then in a moment of weakness, we succumbed to each other. Maybe it was cause' I was high. But why did he do it? I don't understand that. It was probably to make me feel better.

I'm a selfish bitch. I make everything about my happiness. That's pathetic. I am pathetic. I divorce a man, the father of my child because I am not happy; I ruin a friendship because of my fear. I'm a selfish bitch.


	12. Winning don't matter

Exintaris- Thank God for you. Haha. I have no idea what the hell the divorce laws are in New York. I live in Washington and I have no idea what the hell the divorce laws are here! So… haha. But based on your information, I guess I can continue. Okay after this I have to write something more Friendy… cause I just watched the eighth season again and I realized how impossible it was for Rachel to betray Monica in such a big way as to take her husband… So yeah.

_Rachel's POV:_

He was going to take her. And there wasn't much I could do about it, because I was the one who had sacrificed marriage for happiness, I was the one who had a affair, although in reality it was only that one kiss, there is no way I could prove that to a court. They would assume it was a continuous thing. There was no way.

This means I have to talk to him. It's amazing how child-birth has changed me that I am willing to let go of my happiness, and ignore every muscle in my body screaming to run the other way, and put my child first. But she is completely dependant on me, and I'd let her down, I got bored, and I got frightened, and I ran the other way, which I always do. This time, I won't, I'll change and learn from my mistakes, instead of learning to repeat them. So I have to talk to Ross. Okay.

But what about Chandler? What about him? How can a pillar stay up, when the one it was leaning against collapses? He'll go crazy! This is what happens when you leave comfort! You complicate the already complicated situation, and you don't solve problems. Why do I keep looking for love, when I know now it can't be found? I've been searching so long and I finally confirmed that the perfect man, he doesn't exist. Shit. Life sucks.

He kissed me… Oh damn I forgot.

_Chandler's POV:_

She's going to go talk to him. She has to. Otherwise he would take her, and I know Rachel, she would do anything to keep that from happening. Haha. I'm on a merry-go-round of hell, and just as I was about to get off and enjoy steady land, it spin round faster. Now I'm all alone, and there is no one, no one who understands me. Joey, he sits there, and he nods, but talking to him is like talking to a record, and records are only understanding if you follow its sequence, not the one your heartbreak follows.

So that leaves me here with only the invention of men. Pheobe is useless, she is still in that position where she is dedicated to marriage, where she has never tasted the sourness of disagreement. The fairy-tale of ever after hasn't left her, and I pray to God it never will, but right now all that leaves me with is my television, listening to other peoples imagined problems.

"You kissed Rachel!" Actually, I'd rather listen to their problems then sit through this.

"Well…"

"Chandler! How could you! She's my best friend!"

"I…"

"Chandler. I just need you to tell me. Yes or no."

"Um. Well yes and no. Except for not no. So to sum it up yeah. (sorry about that. That was chessy. But it's like the best line ever! So…)"

"How could you?"

"Monica, you lost the right to say those words the minute you divorced me."

And with that she left. I won. For the first time in my life I won. Somehow, I don't really care.


	13. The blanket falls

Champers babe, you never know. Rachel and Chandler could end up together. But right now I'm walking through this blindfolded. It's a good thing I am affecting real emotions, fifteen years doesn't give you much experience, only imagination. I've been protected I guess. Haha and I know that Ross probably wouldn't do that but this would be hella boring if he were so nice. Raelenie thank you! Please comment, and feel free to criticize because that is how I get better and get happy. Haha. Thank you.

_Rachel's POV:_

"Ross."

Is that really him or is that a lump carrying my child? Oh. It is him, lumps don't speak. "Rach." He croaks.

Damn. What was I thinking? I came running all the way over here to stutter in front of him. I'm so amazing.

"Chandler?"

"It was just that. That's it."

"Hah."

"Really."

"Rach. Save me cause' I'm lost."

"Ross."

"I don't understand."

"You'll understand in time."

"No I don't see how."

How can I make him see? "Have you ever heard the song I'll be?"

Of course he has.

"He says, 'I'll be the greatest fan of your life.'"

"So?"

"Are you really mine? And am I really yours?"

"I can be."

"No. You can't. And I can't be yours. We don't have that respect for each other, or that similarity that adds excitement to this confinement that is marriage."

"What?"

"We don't have anything in common."

"That's not true!"

"Name it."

The light of hope entirely extinguishes out of his eyes. Denial replaces it.

"Rachel! We… We are destiny."

"No Ross, WE are the result of a cruel fairytale."

Denial "No!"

"Ross. You've heard the story, the princess, the pauper, and ever after? When does that ever happen in real life?"

"Us…"

"Exactly, you don't love me, I don't love you, but the fairy tale, we had to prove it to be true, because now that it is proved wrong, it is anguishing."

"Rachel."

"Ross…"

"Rachel go… I'm releasing you." And the blanket drops, and suddenly I'm cold, afraid and shivering, but I can see the world, I can move free.


	14. The Rain is gone

Okay

Okay. Some people have like 94 reviews and I must admit that I'm jealous. Haha. So review it up people!

_Rachel's POV:_

I can see clearly now the rain has gone. I can see all the obstacles in my way! Oh shit. Never mind. I think I'm walking along a bunch of railways lined up in a row, because just as I finally manage to cross one without being hit, the next train rams into me at full speed. I'm alone, all alone. Isn't misery in hiding better then bare exposure? Oh shit. I don't have a husband! I don't have a future! How come I keep ending up at the same crossroads, yet each time I take the same path?

Chandler. I haven't talked to him at all yet. I haven't seen him since… you know. That's going to be awkward… I'm supposed to be liberated and yet my mind is full of suicide contemplations… I should talk to him. Ya think?

This door, it opens the apartment I knew so well, when everything was happy ever after, the picturesque romantic harmony. Then it all fell apart. Huh. I raise my hand and knock.

_Chandler's POV:_

Who… Who… Why… Ugh…

_Rachel's POV:_

No answer. Huh. Where would he be? Should I check? No. Yes. I think I should. Ok. I will.

What the hell? What's been going on in here? Where's Chandler? Oh Shit!

"Chandler!"

"Huh?"

"Chandler!"

"What?"

"Give them to me!"

"No!"

His wrists. Oh shit. "Chandler! You were the one who told me! You said! Oh my God!"

A phone, I need to find a phone! Oh shit. Emergency… Um… 9…911… okay. Alright, 911. Dial. NOW!

"Hello?"

_Two Hours later;_

He's in there. I shouldn't have left. I figured he would kill himself, but I never could have foreseen that he would literally! Oh. This is my fault. Damn it. Why me?

"You can see him now."

"Alright. Thank you."

He looks like shit. He's sitting there, and all I can think is he looks like shit. Of course he does, you would too if you just tried to kill yourself, two different ways.

"Why, honey?"

"I just. I didn't care anymore. I don't have a reason…"

"To live?" He smiles weakly, absolutely confirming my understanding.

"Yeah."

"You were always the one who…"

"Tried to make you quit?"

"Yeah."

"Yeah. Cause I was the one who'd been there."

"Yeah."

"I collapsed when you went back, I can't lean against my self."

"hah."

"It'd be really uncomfortable among other reasons."

My mouth twitches. Of course. "I was so scared…"

"Don't be. Forget me. I don't have a reason… I shouldn't be here. I should be dead."

"What? Don't say that!"

"Yeah. But you're going to go back to Ross, and I'll be here by myself again, stuck with the two life-confirming freaks…"

"um…"

"Joey and Phoebe."

"Oh.."

"How's Ross."

"Chandler."

"It's okay."

"Chandler, he set me free."

"He what?"

"He set me free."

"Oh."

"You're looking at a liberated woman."

He grins and right then is probably the happiest moment of my life.


	15. Freedom is all that matters

Case in point: TheOneWithTheMengliad

15 chapters, 94 comments. Haha Just Kidding. But comment it up seriously. I need people to talk to me, it counterbalances my antisocialism. Haha. Right… I've reached a stalemate again, but apparently inspiration don't take that long to get to me. I have to admit that the Chandler's suicide thing was a little common… I never really thought about that. Damn it. Oh well. I guess I should wrap this up huh?

_Rachel's POV:_

I should just not date. Ever! That's the only way I see of not making this mistake again. History just constantly repeats itself with me. One securely boring man, after the next, eventually suicide will entice me. Except maybe then there will be no more of them. The bottom line is I'm a romantic, and that causes me to do stuff without thought at times, I mean, destiny, that was the main thing between me and Ross, so I never considered compatibility, I disregarded all of the issues that came between us before for the sake of happily ever after. I think I have a fairy tale; I just married the wrong prince. So who is the right one? I don't know. I don't know.

_Chandler POV:_

I think she just forgot, or worse, she's just ignoring it. Oh shit. I knew I had no chance with her. What the hell was I thinking? I need Monica back, at least with her I'm not a loser, all alone, she's hotter then me… Now I'm just a dork in a suit. No. I am free. That is all that matters.

_Rachel POV:_

He kissed me. I should… I don't know. Why? Huh.

_Chandler POV:_

I need to talk to her. I need her. I need her for me now.

_Rachel POV: _

I need to talk to him.

* * *

I'm sorry I really need to end this. I don't like the direction I took it. The next chapter will probably be the last of this. I'll wrap it up though I hate cliff-hangers, it's just the way I wrote this, I wrote myself into a corner. So…


	16. THE END

Esuslol: Haha I was just kidding. I really am not that concerned about the lack of reviews, these people have been writing forever, it was just my attempt to gain pity reviews. Haha. As for the dialogue I'll work on it.

* * *

There are two types of people in the world, there are the types that fantasize and daydream of that perfect life; they hope and they pray for it. Then there are the other type, the type that try to squeeze by, and just get through life without seeming to be such a loser. Both types are subjected to their share of gains and losses, and both sides are screwed from the get-go.

Here, in this coffee shop, contains an example of each of these two types; the romantic and the practical. The sadness ingrained on both of their faces makes evident the unquestionable obviousness that there is no easy road. The fair one speaks:

"Chandler… I just, I needed to talk to you."

"Honey I need to talk to you too."

"About what?"

"No. You first."

"But…"

"You said it first."

"Damn it."

"Haha."

"Hah. This is…"

He comprehends here hesitation, the hope in his eyes is so frighteningly obvious, but still he stutters, "I keep making these mistakes, and I'm too old… I'm too… weathered… hah, I don't think that's the right word."

Her mouth twitches, "No. I know what you mean. I've wasted my life."

"Right. It's like I turn left without seeing the huge sign above me, 'Right Turn Only!'"

"haha. Sure…"

"Hey don't make fun, I'm vulnerable here."

That silences her.

"But don't feel like you can't speak, because you know, I found that conversations with myself are surprisingly dull."

"Of course they are."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"Nothin' darling."

"Oh yeah?"

"I honestly meant nothing by that… remark…"

"Sure. And how am I supposed to believe that?"

"Because I am amazingly beautiful, and you love me."

And right on time he spews that sarcastic laugh, and exactly on time, the newspaper is rolled up and hit against his head.

"All right truce?"

"Not a chance buddy boy!"

As they chase each other out of the coffee-shop, it would be impossible not to notice the sandy haired man behind the counter, who let out a rather noticeable sigh as the two of them sprinted out, clearly from and overwhelming happiness of these two finally seeing light again.

It actually became quite embarrassing for them at one point, two adult chasing after each other on the sidewalks of New York, but liberation sets your mind free of ageist bonds, as well as the emotional ones. They needed to be children for once in their life.

Change is something that most people don't deal well with, and each person has that lingering childhood left in them. The issue with these two is they'd married into a life of people who had been raised as perfection, and as adults. Encasement didn't treat them right.

There are two types of animals in people. There are the domesticated, the people who'd grown up in cages, who had been set straight in a direction, whose parents had trained them, who had taught them, who had loved them to obedience, then there are the wild, the ones who were spoiled and ignored, or forgotten, the ones who had to entertain themselves, who had to become a person specifically to get through life, because they didn't have that mother who caught them when they fell, they didn't have that father that taught them to obey, they were free, and the cage frightens them.

The two people running after one another are the example of two wild ones, set free from domestication. They ran. And they ran. And they ran. They ran until they were out of breath and collapsed beside each other, in the middle of Central Park.

"You run too damn fast."

"No Green, you're just too damn slow."

"Do you want me to kick your ass? Cause I'll do it mister."

"Haha. NO! Truce! Truce!"

"Alright."

"So."

"So."

"Here's to us."

"Here's to life."

"Here's to…"

"Alright this could go on for awhile."

"Haha. Thank God, I couldn't find anything else to 'here to'…"

"How about for laying here with me?"

And that remark sucked out the life in the rest of the world, it stopped, and the concentration became on each other."

"Chandler."

"Rachel. I wanted to say… As I was saying… I'm too old to play games, I need to know… Do you think… us…"

"Do you?"

"That doesn't matter."

"It matters."

"I do."

"Prove it."

She had invited him, and he had consented, their two lips, they became one, and opened a chance for another life, and for redemption, or another chance for screwing up. But a least, it was a different chance, and that… That was something to be thankful for.

THE END


End file.
